


dirty

by rollingmelon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Forgive Me, Gen, I have no idea what I wrote, Light Angst, One Shot, Self-Harm, hyungwonho is kinda platonic here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 17:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9501845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rollingmelon/pseuds/rollingmelon
Summary: Why can't I wash myself away ? They keep on saying all the things that made me remember who I really am; a dirty being. So why won't you let me wash myself away ?-------------------A songfic drabble turned out kinda longer than expected. The song is +REVERSE by niki.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello haro haro-- Umm this is my first time posting in here and i'm still bad at writing- but niki's +REVERSE got me in the mood to write a thing so ye this popped out sobs.
> 
> Please bear with me and forgive me for the plot and mistakes ;;;
> 
> Also english is not my first language, so forgive my grammar orz;;
> 
> Un-beta'd

It was raining when they found him.

Wet, not from the rain, but from the cold shower that ran for who knows how long. He was fully clothed, hugging his knees close together in the corner of the cubicle; shivering. His lips were turning blue; almost no trace of blood running under the skin of his plump lips. Veins completely visible under his skin that was paler than how it usually. But the most terrifying part was when they noticed Hyungwon’s eyes. They were blank. No matter how many times they call his name, those deep brown orbs showed no light at all.

They were _dead_.

And their worst fear also happened. Red slowly oozed out, mixing with the water pooled under him. They didn’t notice the red before, maybe because the shock was too much for them. With no commando, the second oldest of them all, Hoseok, picked him up; not really caring wetting his own clothes in the process; and quickly moved the young man to their living room. Kihyun, their resident mother also went into action, he practically ran into their medicine cabinet and rummaged through for bandages.

The rest of the day was a mess. Their two youngest stayed in their room under the command of their oldest. The loud Minhyuk said no words at all, he was busy trying to warm up the tall vocalist with all the blankets and hugs he could give. Kihyun pulled Hyunwoo into the kitchen, asking him to help make some porridge. Soon Minhyuk joined them in the kitchen, only because Hoseok told him it would help more rather than making Hyungwon suffocate in the sofa. Despite all this, the source of their fear still showed no response.

 _His eyes were still blank_.

His lips had gained some color back, but his eyes were still blank. His wrist had been properly bandaged, but his eyes were still blank. Skin not as pale, but his eyes were still blank. He stopped shivering, but his eyes were still _blank_. No longer wearing wet clothes, and yet his eyes were still _blank_.

Hoseok stayed by Hyungwon’s side caressing his arm, trying to call him back into reality. Inside he was crushed, he felt like his heart broke into pieces when they found his dearest in that position. It’s been long since the vocalist felt like his world was going to end, and it felt awful. Right now, his only focus was to bring the young man in front of him back to reality. Giving soft touches didn’t work and so he stopped. Instead, he pulled Hyungwon into his embrace.

“Hyungwon…” Hoseok whispered into his ears, “Hey, can you hear me ?”

It seemed like it still didn’t work. Hoseok let out a soft sigh.

“Hyungwon- Hyungwonnie… please listen to me. Can you hear me ? Please don’t make your hyung sad.”

Hoseok used his pet name. This time, he earned a little twitch as a response. Hoseok jolted slightly and continued on.

“What’s wrong Hyungwonnie ? Will you tell me ?”

Hyungwon twitched again, and slowly his hand found their way circling around Hoseok’s waist.

“Don’t worry, I’ll listen to everything you have to say.”

Life slowly found itself back into Hyungwon’s eyes. With a slow movement, Hyungwon buried his face into the crook of Hoseok’s shoulder.

“... Hyungwonnie ?”

Hoseok felt Hyungwon’s body started to shake again, though not as bad as before. His tightened his hug and started rubbing small circles onto the back of the younger vocalist.

“Sshh… it’s okay, it’s okay.”

His sweet whisper was cut off when Hyungwon opened his mouth. Hoseok’s heart stopped for a moment when he heard Hyungwon’s voice was hoarse as if the said man used up all his voice.

“Hyung… why ?”

“... Why ?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow.

“Why did you stop me from washing myself away ?”

“Why would you want to-..”

“They kept saying things. All the things that remind me of who I am; _a dirty being_. Hyung, they will stop if i wash myself right ? So why did you stop me ?”

Hoseok tightened his jaws, “There is no need to do that. You are not dirty.”

“But hyung… every time I look at myself, the more of those things they’re saying are true. I need to wash myself hyung. I _need_ to. I can’t let my dirty self touch any of you.”

“Hyungwonnie… You-..”

Soft sobs escaped Hyungwon’s lips.

“Why hyung, why ? I washed myself over and over and over. But the more I did it the more I feel dirty. Is it because I am dirty on the inside ?”

Hoseok didn’t answer.

“Why are you guys stopping me from washing my inside ? I want to be clean hyung, I want to be clean so I can touch all of you without dirtying any of you.”

Hoseok’s shoulder started to feel wet.

“Is it wrong to wash myself ? It’s what they all wanted right hyung ? So why are you guys not letting me ?” Hyungwon somehow managed to not stutter over his words.

Hoseok didn’t answer once more, he only tightened his hug over the younger.

“Hyung… why ? …. _why_ ?”

“Because we’re all as dirty as you are Hyungwonnie.”

Hyungwon froze, “... you.. You guys are no-..”

“If they think you are dirty then we’re all dirty.”

Hoseok stopped to take a breath.

“Hyungwonnie, did you seriously allow those people to say that you are dirty ? You are one of the purest people I’ve ever met. Why would they even say you are dirty ? There’s no reason to call you that. None of the stuff they said are even real. They’re just jealous seeing you shine brightly up in the sky. They’re just jealous of your bright smile. The only reason they’re doing that is to rip your smile off Hyungwonnie. And why would you ever let them do that ? Your smile is one of the reasons I'm happy. If it’s gone I'll be sad. You don’t want your hyung to be sad right ?”

Hyungwon slowly nodded.

“Now, do i need to list all the reasons why you are not dirty ?”

No answer came. Hoseok was about to start talking again before he felt Hyungwon lifting up his head. His eyes were red and puffy, but it got light in it again making Hoseok smile a little.

“You don’t have to do that hyung… I… I don’t think there’s a need for that.”

“Silly you, of course it’s needed.”

Hoseok would’ve continue if it was not for Hyungwon covering his mouth with his hand.

“Stop it, I’ll be mad if you do that.”

He grinned when Hyungwon made a small pout. He’s happy Hyungwon was back to his usual self. Well not a hundred percent back but at least he’s no longer pale and shaking.

“... do you think I’m clean enough to be with you guys ?”

“Of course, we’ll gladly be dirty if it’s needed okay.”

Hyungwon didn’t answer with words, he buried his face onto Hoseok’s shoulder again not really caring it’s still wet from his tears.

“You guys don’t have to, I think… I think I’m clean enough….”

Hoseok let a smile bloom on his face and patted Hyungwon’s back gently.

\---------------------------

(Later on, Changkyun and Jooheon took a peek from their room and ended up hugging the two vocalists on the sofa. Minhyuk followed soon after, being done in the kitchen. Well not really done because Kihyun kicked him out for messing up the porridge. He couldn’t help it though, he was too worried about Hyungwon. There’s no way you could concentrate when you’re worried right ?

Hyunwoo and Kihyun also joined, after putting a bowl of hot porridge on the coffee table. Hyunwoo didn’t exactly join though, but he did rest his back onto the pile.

“Guys, can you let me go ? I’m gonna suffocate soon.”)


End file.
